Letters from Solitary

Note: This story discusses self-harm, suicide and incarceration. Just before this story was published, the author received a letter from Christopher "Baltimore" Dacre stating that he's been transferred from Little Sandy Correctional Complex to the Kentucky State Penitentiary in Eddyville.

On January 17, 2021, Christopher Dacre lay bleeding on the floor of cell SMD-03. According to Christopher, two liters of blood pooled around him, approximately 20 percent of his total blood content, and the staff of Little Sandy Correctional Complex in Sandy Hook, Kentucky, unlocked his cell to intervene, sounding deafening alarms. The next day, he harmed himself again. Christopher says he has tried to take his own life 10 times over the past year, and that he’s been warned by prison medical staff and hospital nurses that if he self-harms again, his hemoglobin levels are so low, that he may not survive. After one attempt, a corrections officer stopped the bleeding by removing Christopher’s clothing and using prison scrubs as a tourniquet. He was then taken to another isolation unit and dumped naked on the floor. Moments after another attempt, Christopher was taken to the emergency room. (At press time, representatives of Little Sandy Correctional Complex have not returned requests for comments.)

“Did you know that an elephant captured in the wild and then placed in a cage, alone, will become so depressed it will stop eating and just die if you let it?” asked Christopher, AKA “Baltimore,” in a letter sent to me not even a month after January 17th. Christopher has been subjected to solitary confinement many times.

I became acquainted with Christopher and several other incarcerated people at Little Sandy through my brother, who resided on the same solitary confinement “walk.” He shared with them the story I wrote for TAUNT about his experience of the carceral system. I am grateful that after reading my essay, Christopher and others felt compelled to write me and share their stories. (My brother, Brandon, has been shipped to another prison in Kentucky, but they are attempting to stay in touch.) As free people on the outside, we can talk all day about the horrors that occur inside the prison industrial complex — and we should. But we should also be amplifying the voices of those that are directly affected by it. We can advocate for them by pushing for change, but also by building relationships with them, sharing their words and cherishing them as deserving, complex, talented human beings. Here, you’ll find letters and words from incarcerated folks in Kentucky — and specifically, behind the walls of a solitary housing unit. The letters have been reproduced verbatim, without editing.

February 10, 2021

Dear Kelsey,

My name is Chris Dacre, my friends call me “Baltimore.” I was born and raised in Balto City. I was born into a family struggling with heroin addiction. I grew up living pillar to post with no stability, no love, and no guidance. I had four brothers and one sister, Cindy, who was my best friend. Just like you and your brother.

Being a disadvantaged minority living in poverty within the slums of Baltimore, I went down a really hard road. Gangs, guns, women, money, dope was my calling. Of course that led to incarceration. Throughout three prison terms I’ve spent over 14.5 years of my life in the hole, solitary confinement. I was and still am unable to adjust to prison life. I suffer from serious mental health issues, I had trouble with it as a child and adolescent. As you can imagine, I have my story, too, as we all do. I don’t look to place blame. I can accept some responsibility but there is so much wrong with this entire justice system. And it’s going to backfire on society.

(I am serving) a total of 80 years at 85%. I know guys with multiple murders with half the time I got. Why all the time? Because I was broke. I didn’t have the money to pay for adequate counsel and so the DPA threw me under the bus. As they do with 95% of defendants.

So here I am, 7 years in of 80 years. I don’t serve out until 9/2093 parole 10/2035. My sister Cindy was my rock, my strength, and the bridge to my youngest daughter who is my heart. My sister motivated me to study and become a legal aide and fight for my life back. In the process of getting my legal aide certification, my sister died in her sleep out of nowhere! OMG Kelsey. It’s broken my heart so much, it hurts to breathe when I think about it. I built so much of my life around sis that now I’m all alone. She was all I had. Literally! No support, phone calls, visits, letters, no connection to the outside world. And worst of all, no sis. After sis died, I gave up. I started to use drugs again in here. Which I didn’t care all the problems it caused me. I became very suicidal. I rather die than continue on in this life. My quality of life is so poor and I am so sad and broken inside. I ended up coming to the hole a year ago for something petty. I came to the hole so I could kill myself in peace in my segregation cell. In the past year I have attempted suicide ten times. You would think the prison would try to help my mental health issues? Nope! I got wrote up and am given 60 days hole time each time I attempt to kill myself. I am punished with punitive segregation for attempting suicide! If I tell a CO “I am suicidal and I want to cut” they write me up for threatening statements and give me 15 days hole time. They try to “break me” from (attempting suicide and self harm). But it only causes a decline in my preexisting mental issues and makes me want to die more. It has gotten serious.

Right now I am pissed because where in the world do you punish a person for being suicidal? I have all the photographs from the write ups when I cut. I see myself unconscious in 2-3 liters of my life’s blood spilled out on the floor and I say “this is sad, this isn’t right, I need help.”

I’ve reached out for help. I’ve studied all the policies on mental health, treatment, segregation, suicide. There are actually a lot of good things set in place to help a person. Yet they don’t follow none of it. I’ve filed grievances to no avail, I’ve wrote to the mental health director of Well Path who provides the treatment. I’ve wrote to the commissioner of the DOC and the Governor. And yet here I sit in seg in violation of policy and procedures . . . do I fight?

Your piece gave me some hope that people do care and want to help. I just have to find ‘em. I chose to fight! God did not create humans to be incarcerated, that is why incarceration has such a negative effect on the human anatomy. Incarceration is wrong in itself, but even more so when the mistreatment of human kind is added.

Just know that I found some strength in your piece! You remind me how much my sister loved me and that made me feel good even if it’s just temporary. Thank you! In this fight against mass incarceration and the mistreatment of human life, the only way to succeed is to unify and stick together! All our voices becoming one loud voice will be heard more clearly than one lonely voice!

I leave you as I come, with respect and appreciation.

Sincerely,

Christopher Dacre #145939 (Baltimore)

According to the Prison Policy Initiative, a public policy think-tank critical of mass incarceration, it’s estimated that, on any given day last year, 55,000-62,500 people had spent the previous 15 days in solitary confinement in United States prisons, jails and detention centers. Human beings spend 22 to 24 hours per day in cramped isolation. Their food is delivered through a slot, as is the phone. (In Kentucky, they only get one call a week.) Physical activity is sparse; my pen pal, Colton, describes the recreation cell as a dog kennel. The concrete unit without grass is fully fenced, even from above. Solitary confinement is a land where even the open sky is blurred with the lines of chain link and barbed wire.

Baltimore’s story is far too prevalent — incarcerated people in psychological distress are regularly sequestered away from the rest of the general population. A study by Yale Law Researchers and the Association of State Correctional Administrators found that over 4,000 incarcerated individuals suffering from mental health issues are being held in segregation in the US. Solitary confinement is used as a Band-Aid for psychological issues in institutions that aren’t adequately equipped to treat mental illness. “Prison staff often defend using solitary by saying it helps them maintain order,” says Wanda Bertram, communications strategist at the Prison Policy Initiative, “but the harms of solitary far outweigh any benefits.”

“Solitary confinement does long-lasting damage to the human mind and body. It can cause people to develop a specific psychiatric syndrome which is characterized by extreme sensitivity to sounds, hallucinations, illusions, panic attacks, loss of memory and loss of impulse control. And studies now show that time spent in solitary confinement shortens lives, even after people are released,” Bertram says. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, solitary confinement can leave individuals with pre-existing mental health issues unable to function inside prison or unable to successfully reenter communities post-release.

March 10, 2021

Kelsey,

I hope this finds you in the best of health and spirits. I received your letter the other day. It was cool hearing back from you. I appreciate you writing and helping me. Ever since my blood levels have been so low, I have been getting dizzy and passing out. It got so bad, they had to glue my eye where I split it open from passing out. Then recently I passed out again and hit my head on the sink, splitting it open. They sent me to the hospital to sew it up and do a CAT scan. It was crazy.

No one should have to be alone like this. I had a conversation with Mrs. Miller, the institutional psych person. The one who is supposed to assist me. I quoted DOC policy to her regarding suicide prevention and intervention and check off all the things she can do for me but hasn’t. I asked her to send me to CPTU at KSR so I can be evaluated and placed in a program so I can work on stability. This woman looked me in the eyes and I quote, “Mr. Dacre, I do not send inmates to CPTU unless I am worried they will die at my prison and I do not feel that way with you.” She knows it has gotten serious (due to my blood levels being so low), yet does nothing but a 5 min. Interview at my cell door.

I’m going to enclose a couple more photos to give you an idea how serious shit got. This attempt was grave I almost died. In the photo, you see me unconscious on the floor and nurses trying to assist me. I was rushed to the ER upon return to the prison, I was stripped out naked with no mat freeze cold in an ISO cell (against all policy) then I was wrote up and given 60 days seg time for the attempt. I wrote a suicide letter with this attempt also that has mysteriously disappeared, but the nurses remember giving the letter to security . . .

You are right Kelsey, Cindy wouldn’t want me to self-destruct this way. I got to find a way to cope with all the pain and find a purpose. Right now I am focused on fighting these people. I know what’s right and this shit isn’t right, it’s sick really. I want to make sure it doesn’t happen to anyone else along with getting some help myself.

My sister made me complete the KY DOC legal aide course a couple years ago, I am a certified legal aide and have the knowledge to help other inmates. I was thinking about enrolling in Blackstone Correspondence College for Paralegal Certification. The more I know, the more I can help and feel like a human again.

A little (more) about me . . . . I do read a lot, I mostly enjoy romance novels and movies. “The Fault In Our Stars” is my favorite movie! Lame right? Always the sucker for love, LOL. I’m a football guy, I’m passionate about the Baltimore Ravens. I find a lot of peace in my music. I’ve lost this when sis died. I can sing and write a little, I’ve played with some production. Music used to be my drug! I wish I could find it again. I like helping people, especially those at a disadvantage. If I could do something to change the world, I would help and advocate for abused and neglected children. I’m a firm believer that it’s easier to raise a strong child than it is to fix a broken man.

Well Kelsey it was great hearing from you, and I am very grateful for whatever help you can help me find. Your faith in me has brought me strength. I pray all is well your way. I look forward to talking with you again. Your struggle is my struggle.

Thank you,

Baltimore

“Glass Box” By Brandon Westbrook

Countless are the days that I

Have stared at these walls of stone

The reality slowly sinking in,

That I am all alone.

Drowning in my sorrow,

My eyes are open wide,

Strangely enough through solid walls

I can see the other side.

I see mistakes I have made,

The wrongs I cannot right

All the times I let go,

When I should have held on tight.

I watch my family struggle,

And I know it is not fair.

All I can do is sit and watch,

And wish that I was there.

It’s like being trapped inside a box,

Whose walls are made of glass

Damned to watch as life goes by

And precious moments pass.

I see people slowly die,

Both family and my friends.

All the faces I know that I

Will never see again.

I know they hurt, I see them cry.

Hopelessness washes over me,

As my heart begins to break.

I beat the walls, I kick, I scream,

It doesn’t seem to matter.

This box is indestructible,

The glass will never shatter.

On and on I know I’ll go,

For my curse is to survive.

A thousand times I thought I’d die,

But yet I’m still alive.

Countless are the days that I

Will stare at these walls of stone,

The reality slowly sinking in,

That I am still alone.

According to the Prison Policy Initiative, after re-entry, people who spent time in solitary confinement were 24 percent more likely to die in the first year after release, with the first two weeks being even more likely due to homicide, cardiovascular disease, drug overdose and suicide. I often spend my nights worrying about the challenges my brother will face when he is granted parole, and our hope is that will be soon, in January of 2022. How will these years of trauma mold his experiences for years to come?

In New York City, Kalief Browder was held at Rikers Island jail complex, without trial, for three years, and spent two years in solitary confinement for allegedly stealing a backpack. Two years after his release, he took his own life at his family’s home. Browder's bail was set at $3,000. With a bail bondsman, he could have paid $900, but his family did not have the money, so off to jail — and then solitary — he went. “Even though people in solitary confinement comprise only 6 to 8 percent of the total prison population, they account for approximately half of those who die by suicide,” Bertram says.

Segregating the Human Mind

By Christopher Dacre

As you can imagine, segregation is hard to adapt to. Some people can’t, and they kill themselves! Happens a lot! The overall physical conditions of seg are harsh and cruel, and teaches no lessons other than torture.

How I’ve dealt for 14.5 years (off and on, 5 years straight one time) of seg? Like any traumatic experience suffered, I have to escape to the deeper parts of my mind in order to block out all the painful deprivations of seg. I lock myself deep in my mind and live there all day, everyday. I pace the floor and relive memories, I talk to myself for hours on in. The only problem with this is once you lock yourself in so deep, for so long, it’s hard to come out. You follow me? Coming back to normal senses feels so uncomfortable and strange, you recede back to those depths and remain there safe.

It makes it very hard to adjust to any other kind of life. I get paranoid and delusional when I try to readjust to general living.

It may be a coincidence, but a smart person may not believe that. When I did that 5 year stretch in seg, there was 5 of us that stuck together the best we could, ya know, and we all ended up serving our time and were released straight out into the free world after years of suffering in seg. Crazy, but now all 5 of us are back in prison for the rest of our life, in and out of seg and unable to adjust. All of us with the same story.

I couldn’t function in society. I soundly hold a job or maintain a relationship. I didn’t want to leave the house, I was afraid of big crowds, the world actually moved funny as if I was in some special effects movie, right? . . . I broke the law and came back to prison. I told my judge I was guilty and to give me the max because I was tired of suffering in the world I felt I didn’t belong. The max he gave me. He let me give up on myself.

(In prison) they don’t look at individual inmates’ needs, on their “threat level.: So even the policy reform looks and sounds good they are still using long term segregation as a punishment. The conditions of confinement are still the same. It’s really screwed up. We need to find a way to make DOC follow the police reforms and hold them accountable when they do not. It is sad because almost all inmates think this is normal, that it is okay.

Did you know, the KY DOC receives federal funding to keep seg units open and running? The only way to receive the money is to show a continuous need for segregation units to help control the prison. Facts . . . the cycle is vicious.

I hope I gave you some knowledge through my experiences. The more you know, the more you can arm yourself with to help win this fight. I really love and admire your passion regarding these issues. I really appreciate you taking the time to know and understand. It really has helped having you to share things with. I guess I will go now and try to rest my head. Keep your head up Kelsey and thank you.

Sincerely,

Baltimore

“Friends are like stars, tho we can’t always see them, we still know they’re there.” Not sure who said it, but I like it.

We talk a lot about the vicious cycles that lead to incarceration — racism, poverty and oppression, the school to prison pipeline, the war on drugs — but not as much about the cycle of segregation and solitary confinement. Take my brother, Brandon, for example, who dropped out of a prison gang in 2018. Brandon has been living in solitary confinement for close to 20 months out of fear of retaliation from the gang. Even though he’s filed numerous grievances and requested transfers over and over, the Kentucky DOC has kept him there. Brandon was recently shipped to a private prison in Central Kentucky, Lee Adjustment Center, which is owned by CoreCivic — a for-profit prison, jail and detention center management company. CoreCivic has been at the center of various controversies, including allegations of using forced labor at detention centers, sexual harassment, and racial and gender discrimination. At Lee Adjustment Center, Brandon must continue to live in solitary confinement.

Another pen pal of mine, Colton Estes, is also in solitary confinement awaiting a transfer to another prison. Earlier this year, when my brother was still at Little Sandy, Brandon told me there were over 70 men sequestered away from general population while they waited to be sent somewhere else in the state. (Little Sandy houses over 1,000 men, and is home to a 90-bed “special management unit.”)

I shatter when I speak with my brother or Baltimore or Colton or Alphonso, a.k.a. “Country” — another friend who reentered general population from solitary at Little Sandy after he was denied parole in March. He was looking forward to getting back home to Somerset, Kentucky, to take care of his elderly mother. He had plans to work in a factory.

I talked to my mother and was telling her about you and your flowers and that you was going to start a garden and that you could use some tips. Mom said she had some flowers growing but she didn’t grow a garden but she would be more than happy to talk with you and give you any help or advice you need. I worry a lot about her being there alone since my step dad passed away. So how are things at work going? I bet you have some pretty good food there. I can’t wait to eat some good food. I don’t have any recipes, but I think I can cook enough to get by. Grandma didn’t like being messed with while she was in the kitchen, she would run us out and tell us to go play. But I would have loved to learn from her. My favorite meals are probably baked spaghetti, lasagna, pot roast, chili and pinto beans, corb bread and pork chops, mashed potatoes, mac n cheese, and greens, but I like just about anything but sushi, squit and caviar. What are some of your favorite meals Kelsey?

Well Kelsey thank you for your time and I appreciate you, don’t work too hard take care of your self and have a wonderful day.

Until the next,

Your friend

Alphonso Duncan

“We have no radio down here,” Alphonso told me over the phone just before his parole hearing. “No canteen, no puzzles. I’m starving. I’ve lost maybe 40 pounds. The only thing we can order [in the hole] is letter-writing stuff, cough drops and deodorant.” Alphonso was denied parole even though he completed the substance abuse program, scored low on his risk assessment, had no major write-ups in a year, over 60 days “good time,” and more. Alphonso is now back in solitary confinement as of July 2021.

I’m a really good friend. I’m very loyal, honest, and caring. I’ve always had a big heart for people. I’m reliable and trustworthy. If ever I can help you with anything, I’d never hesitate no matter what it is. That’s just me, you know? I don’t have many genuine friends. The ones I do have, I hold tight to them.

Once I am stable again, I can overcome and face whatever life has. But this time I promise myself to do something great with the rest of my life. I’m not going to waste people’s concerns and efforts. To just keep giving up that is selfish. I can overcome and achieve, I always have, especially with sis in my corner. Now that sis is gone, I have to rely on me and the people I do have in my circle. It hurts so much to realize that, but I have to accept that she isn’t here anymore.

Don’t worry I am trying hard to maintain, you’ve brought me hope I hang tightly too. God willing we can make some progress. I hope you’re going okay out there, I pray for your success and happiness. We’re supposed to get vaccines tomorrow, I’m nervous! Thanks for all your help, encouragement, and hope. I look forward to next time.

I leave you with peace and respect!

Baltimore

The title of Baltimore’s favorite movie, The Fault in Our Stars, comes from a line in Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, said by Cassius (Act 1, Scene 3), suggesting that we, as humans, are to blame for all the world’s evil or weakness, dismissing any idea of fate or divine power. Cassius is essentially saying that an individual has the power to change their own path, or that of those around them. The author of The Fault in our Stars, John Green, suggests the opposite — that bad things happen to good people, and we truly can’t explain it. I tend to believe a combination of both sentiments. Sure, unfortunate things happen that we don’t deserve, and that might be called fate. Yet, as humans, haven’t we created systems that lead to terrible things, as well? We designed this justice system that’s proven to carry biases. We made this prison industrial complex and the terrors that come along with it. We put Baltimore and Brandon and Colton and Alphonso and so many others in solitary confinement day after day. Fate won’t undo the harm that’s been done. It’s up to us to uplift the voices of incarcerated people. “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars / But in ourselves, for we are underlings.”

Note from the editor: per a letter from Christopher received 8/5, he was transferred to Kentucky State Penitentiary AKA Eddyville.